I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
