I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
