No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
