I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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