Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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