I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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