I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
