WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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