One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
