she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
