Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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