apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
