You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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