You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
