My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
