Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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