I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
