I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Actions speak louder than pants.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
