he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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