so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
