I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
