you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
