Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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