The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
