I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
