Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
organizing the empties. That sober.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
