apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
