I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dick very happy bro
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
