the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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