Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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