never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
