Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
