I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
