i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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