How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
