Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
