If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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