i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize