I showed him my bush... on skype.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
