so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
