Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
