he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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