Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Randomize
