he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
