he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
