I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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