Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
