Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
