he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
