I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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