I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
