you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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