if i can run in heels then i can drive
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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