no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
