I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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