we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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