need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize