If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
