my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize
