We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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