my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
